Bringing a new
baby into the house for the second time is a big milestone for you — and your
firstborn. Margaret Saunders tells us how to make the first weeks home easier on everyone.
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You’ve been down the
newborn path before so you’ve probably got the basic moves down: You can
breastfeed one-handed, diaper blindfolded, and snap up a Onesie in two seconds
flat — plus your hips are on auto-rock.
But juggling your newborn’s needs with
those of your equally demanding toddler (or preschooler) is a whole
new ball game. Sooner or later (and it’s going to be sooner) you’ll face a tot
who wants to be cuddled at the very same moment her baby brother needs to be
nursed.
Or there’ll be a boo-boo that must be kissed “now!”— as in just when
you’re up to your elbows in a spectacularly soupy diaper. While you can’t grow
an extra pair of arms (though you’ll often wish you could), there are ways to
help smooth your senior sib’s transition from only child to eldest child.
Put yourself in
your firstborn’s shoes.
A little
perspective goes a long way in helping you understand your older child’s baby
ambivalence. Imagine, for a moment, how you would feel if your husband walked
in the front door with another woman, and cheerfully announced (fully expecting
you to be happy about it): “Look, honey — this is our new wife! We’re all going
to live together, and be happy together…and by the way, isn’t she cute?” Well,
it’s the same thing for your firstborn when you step in the door with a new
baby — understand that, and you’ll be better able to empathize. Something else
it’ll help to keep in mind: Your firstborn may be older, but she’s still very
young. Despite her new designation as big sib, she can be expected to act her
age (and when she understandably regresses, even younger).
Deputize and
defuse.
Turn your firstborn into a Big
Helper — a full-fledged member of Team Baby — and she’s likely to feel less
threatened by the competition. Show her how to handle the baby gently and show
him some love without hurting him. Lessons to include: how to kiss without
smothering, hug without squeezing, and hold him in her lap while supporting his
floppy head. When (and if) she wants to play with him, have her hold out a
finger for baby bro to squeeze, or shake a rattle softly while he watches.
Explain that babies like quiet sounds and songs better than loud ones and that
they totally love to look at faces (especially hers!). If she’s
clamoring to take on baby-care duties she’s not quite ready for — like burping,
bathing, and diapering — give her a doll to practice on (and fully control).
Around the house, look for age-appropriate tasks that’ll make her feel
competent and proud — little kids make expert fetchers of indispensables like
diapers, washcloths, and teddy bears. More ways to give her self-esteem a
big-sister boost: Put her in charge of picking her little sib’s outfit,
choosing which lullaby is on deck at baby’s bedtime, and making sure everyone
uses their whisper voices when he’s napping.
Resist that
regression.
Even a long-weaned tot may
get a yen to suckle once she sees you feeding your newborn. Instead of chiding
“That’s for babies!” (after all, it’s the baby who’s getting all your lap
time), offer her a big-girl drink in a nifty new cup, and let her snuggle close
to you while she drinks it (just like the baby). If she’s already toilet-trained, don’t
let that cute backside backslide into diapers — but do be extra understanding
and patient when accidents happen (and they likely will — as much a sign of
stress as a cry for attention). Reassure her that she’s still your baby, too,
by stepping up the cuddling she’s craving more than ever (and needs just as
much as the baby does) — while pointing out also, “I love my big girl!” When
she needs to act like a baby (baby talking, crawling, fake crying), let her —
she’ll get it out of her system faster.
Accentuate the
positives.
While you shouldn’t make a fuss
about baby behavior, you should pile on the praise when your older child acts
her age. You’ll reinforce good behavior by rewarding her with hugs and
compliments when she shows patience (waiting without wailing while you change a
diaper), cooperativeness (handing you that diaper instead of winging it at the
wall), empathy (“The baby’s crying, Mommy. Maybe he’s hungry”). And play up the
perks of being the big kid on campus, too, by pointing out all the cool things
she gets to do that her baby sibling can’t — like talk to Grandma on the phone,
go down the slide at the playground, blow out birthday candles (and eat a piece
of cake).
Satisfy her
curiosity. Why do babies cry so much? Why do
they need so much sleep? Why do they eat — and poop! — so often? Your firstborn
is likely to have all kinds of questions about the new baby (including,
perhaps, when he’s going back to where he came from). Here’s your chance to
capitalize on some profoundly teachable moments. Use simple language to explain
why a newborn does what a newborn does, and use bath-time and diaper changes to
talk about those teeny-tiny body parts. (“The baby’s belly button looks pretty
funny now, but someday it’ll be as perfect as yours!”) Reading picture books
together about new babies — and older siblings — will help clear up some of
those mysteries, too, while easing the adjustment (it always helps to know
you’re not the only one). One to try: What to
Expect When the New Baby Sibling Comes Home.
Build in
one-on-one time.
Babies need a lot of care,
true — but they’re generally not too picky about who provides that care. Your
older one, on the other hand, is picky and — no surprise — she picks you.
Making sure you build some one-on-one time into every day will reassure your
firstborn that you love her just as much as you always did and just as much as
the new kid on the block. Make a collage together when the baby naps or let her
go solo with you as you run errands (while Dad gets in some baby-bonding time).
Suggest your spouse schedule special big-kid-and-Dad activities also, like
whipping up weekend waffles or heading out to the movies or the park.
Include her.
Those endless feeding sessions will be easier for your
older little one to cope with if she’s not on the outside looking in. Invite
her to cuddle up beside you for a story or a quiet game while baby feeds.
Give a gift (or
two).
No doubt there’ll be awesome baby
gifts arriving by the truckload, which can be pretty rough for a tot who’s
sitting on the sidelines, watching the loot accumulate. So once in a while,
surprise your older child with a big-kid present you happen to have at the
ready. Nothing fancy — just a little something that says “being a big sib
rocks,” like a new set of markers and a giant pad, a coloring book, a book or
puzzle, even a sheet of stickers. When friends arrive with (yet another) giant
box for the baby, let your tot unwrap it for him (what a good helper she is!).
If it’s an item that your newborn is too little to use (like a doggie pull-toy
or set of blocks) let your big kid (gently) break it in. And encourage your
older child to make her own gift for the baby — a pretty picture, for example,
that can hang next to the crib or changing table.
Reestablish old
routines. Don’t feel guilty about sending
your firstborn back to day care or preschool when you’re home with baby number
two. Sure, your older child will likely protest what she perceives as exile,
but the comfortable predictability of that pre-baby routine may be just what
she needs. (Plus, those few hours when she’s out of the house are a chance for
you to bond with your newborn — and maybe even take a shower.) If you had a
babysitter come by on a regular basis, continue with that too. Your older child
will eat up the one-on-one attention and the reminder that life with a new
sibling isn’t so different after all.
Don’t push the sibling
bond.
One minute your oldest will be in
love with the baby — the next, she’ll want nothing to do with him. That’s
partly due to her understandably mixed feelings, partly due to her fleeting
attention span, partly because the baby’s not a whole lot of fun to play with
yet — and partly because unlike her mom, she isn’t hardwired to adore the baby
around the clock…or even like him all the time. The sibling relationship
evolves over years, not days, so if she turns down your invite to a group
cuddle session or couldn’t care less about your newborn’s newest trick, don’t
push it. Give her time to grow into her new role.
